


Team Bonding

by karcathy



Series: The Avengers Road Trip [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humour, M/M, although not as exaggerated as some, exaggerated characterisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-10
Updated: 2012-07-10
Packaged: 2017-11-09 14:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karcathy/pseuds/karcathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Director Fury thinks that the Avengers need to work on their team bonding. Coulson suggests a road trip. Fury agrees (eventually). Tony doesn’t, but is ignored. A minivan is acquired, a date is set, and the Avengers set off, with only a few minor problems. Although for the Avengers, the definition of “minor problems” extends to include missing persons, grievous bodily harm and death threats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Team Bonding

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Long Drive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/237750) by [stupid_drawings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupid_drawings/pseuds/stupid_drawings). 



> This full-on Avengers crack was inspired by the John and Sherlock Road Trip series. Mistakes may be present - if you find any, please point them out to me so I can correct them. Also, reviews (complimentary or otherwise) are very welcome.
> 
> Dedicated to Yasmin.
> 
> The numbers refer to time after departure, so 1.30 would be 1 hour and 30 minutes into the trip. Negative numbers mean they haven't left yet.

-1.30

Coulson has managed to gather most of the Avengers together outside the van. Natasha is refusing to join them, and Tony is missing, presumed drunk.

 

-1.15

Tony is still missing. Steve offers to go and look for him. Bruce suggests checking his workshop. Clint suggests that Bruce is an idiot. Bruce asks Clint whether he would prefer to be smashed into the wall, the floor or the ceiling. Clint retreats into the ceiling and refuses to come out. Natasha contemplates finding a more comfortable place to watch from.

 

-1.00

Steve has found Tony and dragged him over to the van. Tony claims that he was just making minor adjustments to his Iron Man suit. Steve tells Coulson that he found Tony preparing to fly off in his private jet. Tony changes tack and begins to whine about having to share the van. He suggests that flying would be far quicker and more comfortable. Coulson tells him that the trip is not supposed to be quick or comfortable. Clint is still in the ceiling. Natasha has somehow managed to find a deckchair, and is sipping a Martini as she watches Tony argue with Coulson.

 

-0.45

Coulson has finally managed to persuade Tony to come on the trip, with only minor threats needing to be used. Tony immediately calls shotgun. Clint drops out of the ceiling to inform Tony that he called shotgun at least an hour ago. Natasha gets up off of her deckchair to tell them that she isn’t going anyway, but if she were, she would have automatic shotgun. Thor doesn’t know what shotgun is, but wants to join in the fun and calls it too. Bruce claims that the other guy will almost certainly make an appearance if he is forced to sit in the back of the van. Steve does not call shotgun. He tries to calm the others down, but they all start shouting at him instead. Coulson contemplates tazing the whole team and piling them into the bad of the van.

 

-0.30

Coulson finally manages to tell the Avengers that as they cannot behave like adults, none of them will be riding shotgun. All of them start shouting at him at the same time but quickly shut up when Coulson threatens to take away all their bathroom breaks for the whole trip. They all get into the van. Everyone except for Steve and Thor is sulking.

 

-0.28

Coulson is about to set off when Tony says he has to pee before they leave. He considers not letting Tony go, but decides against it.

 

-0.24

Tony is back and they are about to leave again when Steve says he needs the bathroom too.

 

-0.21

Steve returns, and they set off. This time, they almost manage to get the van out onto the road before Clint and Thor both need to pee. Coulson reluctantly drives back, and says that the next person who needs to pee will have to do it on the verge.

 

-0.15

Clint and Thor are back. Natasha says she has to go as well. Coulson thinks about refusing, but decides that his threats don’t apply to her.

 

-0.05

The others wonder why Natasha is taking so long. Tony makes a sexist comment just as Natasha returns, and regrets it. He begins to wish he had brought the suit with him.

 

0.00

Coulson has taken back his earlier decision and has decided, in the interests of safety, to allow Natasha to ride shotgun. They finally manage to set off.

 

0.13

Chaos has begun in the back of the van. Thor has managed to smuggle an entire crate of poptarts and a toaster on board with him, and is currently confused as to why the toaster won’t work. Steve offers to help him find the plug socket. Tony and Bruce are currently having a heated argument, although none of the other Avengers could say what it is about. Their best guess would be “sciencey stuff”. Clint watches both groups with amusement. Natasha sighs.

 

0.20

Tony and Bruce stop arguing to work on a plan for powering Thor’s toaster. They ask Coulson to keep an eye out for a hardware store. Coulson ignores them.

 

0.23

They drive past a hardware store. Tony and Bruce ask to stop. Coulson ignores them.

 

0.27

They drive past a McDonald’s. Tony and Thor ask to stop. Coulson ignores them.

 

0.31

The back of the van has gone suspiciously quiet. Coulson glances in his mirror but cannot see what is going on. Tony appears to have vanished.

 

0.34

Coulson hears a rattling noise coming from under the van. He pulls over and finds Tony clinging to the bottom and fiddling with some wires. Bruce tells Tony he knew that it was a bad idea. Tony tells Coulson that he should have stopped at that hardware store. Coulson tells Tony that if he messes with the van again, he will abandon him in the middle of nowhere.

 

0.41

Thor sees a service station and wants to stop. Coulson ignores him.

 

0.46

Clint needs to pee. Coulson ignores him.

 

0.49

Steve needs to pee. Coulson ignores him.

 

0.52

Clint _really_ needs to pee. Coulson ignores him. 

 

0.57

Clint threatens to pee out of the window. Coulson threatens to let him.

 

1.04

Clint starts bouncing in his seat. Coulson ignores him.

 

1.08

Clint starts to make little whining noises. Coulson ignores him.

 

1.12

Clint begs Coulson to let him pee. Coulson ignores him. The others start to edge away from him.

 

1.17

Clint suddenly goes very still. The others pretend not to notice the damp patch and edge still further away from him.

 

1.20

Coulson wonders why everything’s gone quiet.

 

1.22

Coulson wonders why he can smell pee.

 

1.23

Coulson puts two and two together and pulls over at a service station.

 

1.24

Clint wordlessly accepts the change of clothing Coulson offers him, and sidles off to change. Coulson wonders what to do about Clint’s seat.

 

1.27

Coulson buys a large collection of car air fresheners and hangs them around Clint’s seat. Tony and Bruce start trying to come up with ideas to dry out the seat. Natasha produces a portable hair dryer and hands it to them. Nobody asks why she brought a hair dryer.

 

1.30

Clint’s seat is still slightly damp, but he decides not to complain. Coulson silently vows to believe the next person who says they need to pee. They set off again.

 

1.32

They suddenly realise that Steve is missing and return to the service station. He is waiting in the car park, looking slightly hurt. Coulson apologises for abandoning him. Steve hopes that he doesn’t need the bathroom again on the trip.

 

1.35

Tony has an idea for Thor’s toaster. He asks Natasha for her hair dryer. Natasha refuses. Tony sulks.

 

1.37

Tony asks Natasha for her hair dryer again. Natasha refuses.

 

1.38

Tony keeps bugging Natasha about the hair dryer. Natasha ignores him.

 

1.45

Tony is still bugging Natasha about the hair dryer. She finally gives in, hoping for some peace and quiet at last.

 

1.51

Tony gets the toaster working. Thor starts enthusiastically cooking and eating his poptarts.

 

1.54

Tony has managed to remodel the toaster so it can toast 14 poptarts at once. A poptart party has begun in the back of the van.

 

1.57

Coulson turns on the radio in an attempt to drown out the sounds of the poptart party. His plan backfires when they start to sing along loudly and enthusiastically.

 

2.03

Natasha threatens to kill everyone in the van in terrible and inventive ways if they don’t shut up immediately. They do. Tony mutters that they were running out of poptarts anyway.

 

2.06

Tony eats the last poptart.

 

2.07

Thor asks for another poptart and is disappointed to hear they have run out.

 

2.09

Thor asks if they can stop to get more poptarts. Coulson ignores him.

 

2.12

Tony sees a hardware store and asks to stop. Coulson ignores him.

 

2.16

Tony sees another hardware store and says he needs to pee. Coulson tells him to wait until the next service station.

 

2.20

They pull over at a service station. Tony decides he didn’t need to pee after all. Thor asks if they can buy poptarts.

 

2.25

Tony managed to find and buy a large quantity of miscellaneous technology from the service station and is now dismantling it all. Coulson apprehensively wonders what he is trying to make.

 

2.28

Bruce is helping Tony with his contraption. Thor and Steve are watching with vaguely puzzled expressions. Clint needs to pee.

 

2.34

Tony and Bruce are bonding over science. Steve and Thor are bonding over wondering what the hell Tony and Bruce are doing. Clint tells Coulson he needs to pee. Coulson has turned the radio back on and doesn’t hear him.

 

2.39

Tony realises something is missing from his contraption. He asks Coulson to pull into the next service station. Coulson ignores him and turns the music up again. Clint says he needs to pee. Coulson doesn’t hear him.

 

2.44

Tony is sulking. Bruce is comforting him. Thor misses his poptarts. Clint still needs to pee.

 

2.49

Tony is still sulking. Coulson has turned the radio up to full volume, Steve is getting a headache. Clint still needs to pee.

 

2.53

Tony realises that he doesn’t need the extra part anyway and starts working on his contraption again. Steve asks Coulson to turn the music down. Coulson ignores him. Clint says he needs to pee. No one hears.

 

2.58

Tony and Bruce have finished making the contraption. They present it triumphantly to the others, who look confused and ask what it is. It is a karaoke machine. Thor asks what karaoke is. Tony explains. Thor is excited, and wishes to try it. Steve buries his head in his hands. Clint contemplates saying that he needs to pee, but resigns himself to being ignored. Natasha and Coulson are having what would be a pleasant conversation if they didn’t have to shout it over the music Coulson was using to drown out the complaints from the back of the van.

 

3.03

The noise of Thor singing karaoke fills the van and is the only thing anyone in it can hear. Clint has curled up into a ball and resigned himself to spending the rest of the journey trying not to wet himself (again).

 

3.06

Coulson has pulled over to confiscate the karaoke machine. Whilst he is yelling at Tony and Thor, Clint takes the opportunity to sneak off and pee. Natasha wonders how she got saddled with these idiots. Bruce wonders whether he should take some of the blame for the karaoke machine, then decides against it. Steve wonders how exactly this trip is helping with their teamwork.

 

3.09

Coulson has finished yelling at Tony and Thor. No one has noticed that Clint is missing. They get back into the van and leave without him.

 

3.12

The Avengers still haven’t noticed their missing team member. Coulson is enforcing a rule of silence in the van. Clint is standing by the side of the road, looking forlornly for the van.

 

3.20

Natasha looks around to check on the amazingly silent Avengers in the back of the van. She notices Clint is missing. They go back to look for him.

 

3.31

They have found Clint. He wordlessly climbs into the van and silently sulks. No one else notices because they, too, are sulking.

 

3.36

Steve suggests that they play a game to lighten the mood. Coulson has gotten bored of their good behaviour, and agrees to allow them to play I Spy. Steve goes first. Natasha immediately guesses “van”. She is right. Her word begins with “I”.

 

3.39

No one has yet guessed Natasha’s word. Some of the guesses have been particularly inventive. Coulson is considering banning Tony from the game.

 

3.43

Tony has been banned from guessing. No one has managed to guess Natasha’s word. Steve thinks they must have gone through all of the “I” words at least twice. Tony thinks Natasha must have invented the word. Clint suspects it might be Russian. He wishes he knew Russian.

 

3.47

Coulson finally takes pity on them and guesses “Idiots”. He is right. The others wonder how they didn’t guess it. Natasha says it is because they were the idiots she was spying. Clint says she has an unfair advantage at this game.

 

3.48

Coulson’s word begins with “M”. Tony’s guessing rights have been reinstated, on the condition that none of his guesses are too obscene.

 

3.49

Tony’s guessing rights have been revoked.

 

3.52

Natasha guesses “Morons”. She is right. The others are annoyed. Steve is regretting starting this game. Natasha’s word begins with “A”.

 

3.54

Tony guesses “Assholes”. Coulson comments that this is unusually mild. Tony comments that he is running out of obscene words. Steve comments that he thought Tony’s vocabulary was bottomless in that respect.

 

3.56

Tony and Bruce are trying to think of synonyms for idiots beginning with “A”. They come up with “Addlebrains”. They are wrong. They try to think up more, and run into a dead end.

 

4.01

Steve asks for a clue. Natasha says it’s a word beginning with “A”. Tony says that’s not a clue. Natasha disagrees. She says it is the only clue they are allowed.

 

4.05

Coulson makes Natasha give them a clue. She says the word is a synonym for “Idiots”. Tony says they already guessed all the synonyms for idiots beginning with “A”. Natasha tells him he is wrong.

 

4.07

Steve thinks about the previous words. He realises they were being used to describe them. He realises what Natasha’s word is. Steve guesses “Avengers”. He is right. The others are amazed they didn’t guess. Natasha says she told them it was a synonym for “Idiots”.

 

4.08

Steve’s word begins with “R”. Tony skips the obscene guesses and goes straight for “Road”. He is right. Tony’s word begins with “S”.

 

4.10

The others run through all the obscene words beginning with “S” they can think of. Natasha knows a surprising amount. Steve has never heard half of the words she guesses, and decides not to ask what they mean. None of them are correct.

 

4.14

Tony is laughing at the others. None of their guesses have come close.

 

4.17

Thor guesses “Sky”. He is correct. The others are annoyed that they didn’t guess it. Tony says they were over-complicating the game.

 

4.18

Thor’s word begins with “M”. Coulson guesses “Morons”. Natasha says they can’t use the same word twice. Coulson is wrong.

 

4.24

Tony hasn’t made any guesses. He ran out of obscene words beginning with “M” the last time it was used. No one else has managed to guess it.

 

4.27

Thor is amazed that no one can guess it. He says it is exceedingly obvious. The others are still stumped.

 

4.29

Clint has fallen asleep. The others have still not guessed Thor’s word. Not even Coulson and Natasha.

 

4.33

Bruce has come up with some impressively inventive guesses. Tony is amazed. Bruce is wrong. Thor is confused by some of his guesses.

 

4.37

Steve guesses “Maze”. He is wrong. Natasha asks him where he can see a maze. He says Thor might have seen one that they didn’t notice. Natasha says he is an idiot.

 

4.41

Tony guesses “Magic”. The others laugh. He is wrong.

 

4.43

Coulson guesses “Mauve”. Natasha asks him where he can see anything mauve. Everyone stops guessing to search for mauve objects.

 

4.47

Thor is getting annoyed by the mauve-search. He wants them to guess his word. Steve, Tony and Bruce say they give up. Natasha and Coulson want to keep trying. Clint is still asleep.

 

4.52

Natasha and Coulson’s guesses are getting increasingly desperate. They have included “Magenta”, “Maniacs”, “Moles” and “Man-boobs”. None of them are correct.

 

4.56

Steve asks Thor to tell them what his word was. Natasha objects. She says she will guess it. The others are sceptical. Coulson has given up.

 

4.59

Everyone except for Natasha has gotten extremely bored of this game. Even Thor doesn’t want her to keep guessing. Natasha refuses to let him tell her the word. Clint is still asleep.

 

5.04

Clint wakes up and asks what they are doing. He is amazed to hear that they are still guessing Thor’s word. They tell him that only Natasha is still trying. She still cannot guess Thor’s word.

 

5.09

Tony asks if they can play something else. Natasha says they have to wait until they have finished this game. Everyone sighs.

 

5.12

Bruce points out that they have been trying to guess Thor’s word for nearly an hour. Natasha gives in and asks Thor to tell them the word. It is “Midgard”. Natasha says that using Asgardian dialect is cheating. Thor says that it was a perfectly acceptable word.

 

5.15

Natasha is sulking. Tony has suggested they start a game of Twenty Questions. Coulson suggests that they play Silent. Steve asks how you play Silent. Coulson tells him that everyone has to be quiet and the first person to talk loses. Tony says he doesn’t like the sound of this game. He wants to play something different. Coulson tells him that they will play Silent. Natasha agrees.

 

5.19

Everyone is still silent. The game is going well. Coulson is feeling pleased with himself.

 

5.22

Tony loses the game by saying he is bored. He asks to play something else. Coulson tells him he lost the game. Tony says he doesn’t care and that it is a stupid game. Coulson says that he has to pay a penalty. He lets Natasha decide the penalty.

 

5.24

Coulson has decided that Natasha is not allowed to decided the penalty after all. He says that cruel and unusual punishment is not appropriate for this game. Natasha starts sulking again.

 

5.28

Coulson is trying to think of an appropriate punishment. The others are wondering if they are still playing.

 

5.30

Coulson has thought of a punishment. He pulls over at the next service station and buys a deckchair and some Duct tape. Tony looks apprehensive.

 

5.34

Tony was right to look apprehensive. He is now taped into a deckchair, which is taped to the roof of the van. Tony says that this punishment goes against his human rights. Coulson ignores him.

 

5.36

They leave the service station. Tony has a feeling that this will be extremely uncomfortable. The others are enjoying the lack of annoying comments in the van.

 

5.40

Tony was right. The Duct tape is barely holding him and the deckchair to the top of the van. He is clinging on for dear life as they speed along the road at 60mph. He can safely say he has never been more terrified in his life.

 

5.43

Inside the van, the others can hear muffled screaming from above. Bruce wonders how illegal this punishment is, and whether Fury will care. Steve is worried about Tony’s safety.

 

5.47

The screaming has stopped. Steve and Bruce are exchanging worried glances. They ask Coulson to pull over.

 

5.49

They pull over to find Tony unconscious on the roof. Coulson removes the tape and takes him down, along with the now broken deckchair.

 

5.52

Tony has regained consciousness and started shouting angrily at Coulson. He says that he will have Coulson’s head for this. Coulson apologises. Tony says he’ll never be able to go out when it’s windy again.

 

5.56

Both Bruce and Steve are comforting Tony. Coulson is beginning to think his punishment was a bit extreme. He buys Tony an ice cream to make up for it. Thor wants an ice cream too. Coulson refuses to buy him one. He says he’s not made of money.

 

6.00

Coulson tells everyone to get back in the van. He does a headcount and realises that both Clint and Natasha are missing. He tells the others to stay in the van whilst he goes and looks for them.

 

6.12

Coulson returns with Clint and Natasha. Clint is blushing bright red and looking studiously away from Natasha. Natasha looks unruffled. Coulson refuses to say where he found them. He asks where Thor has gone. Tony says he went to get ice cream. Coulson contemplates banging his head against the side of the van, but instead goes to look for Thor. He tells the others that if any of them wander off, he’ll leave without them.

 

6.18

Coulson returns with Thor and a massive ice cream. He wonders whether he’ll be able to claim it as expenses. He figures he’ll be able to get away with it, but he’s not so sure about the deckchair. Everyone gets into the van and they leave.

 

6.22

Tony wants to play another game. Coulson reminds him that the last game they played ended with him on the roof, taped to a deckchair. Tony says he’s bored. Coulson gives in and agrees to let him play Twenty Questions.

 

6.24

Tony is an animal. He has two legs. He is a mammal. Bruce asks if he is Tony Stark. Tony says he isn’t. He says they have 16 questions left.

 

6.27

Tony is a human being. He is female. Bruce asks him if he’s sure. Tony gives him a withering look and says they have 13 questions left.

 

6.30

Tony isn’t famous. He isn’t Pepper. He isn’t a stripper. Clint says that rules out Natasha. No one sees what Natasha does, but afterwards Clint is clutching himself and screaming in pain. He says that this counts as grievous bodily harm. Natasha tells him to stop being a baby.

 

6.32

Tony isn’t American. Tony isn’t British. Tony isn’t French. Tony reminds them that they have 7 questions left and asks Steve if he’s sure he wants to continue trying to guess his nationality.

 

6.36

Tony is an adult. Tony is a member of SHIELD. Natasha realises who Tony is. She wonders if any of the others will guess, and decides to let them try.

 

6.39

Steve asks Tony what colour hair he has. Tony says the game doesn’t work like that. Tony doesn’t have black hair. Tony doesn’t have brown hair. Tony doesn’t have blonde hair. Natasha wonders how the others can be so stupid. They have 2 questions left.

 

6.41

Tony has red hair. Clint uses their last question to guess that Tony is Natasha. He is correct. Tony wonders how they didn’t guess sooner.

 

6.43

It is Clint’s go. He is a mineral. Bruce wonders why the game groups everything into animal, vegetable and mineral. He wonders why mineral isn’t called “inanimate object.” Tony tells Bruce to stop questioning the game.

 

6.44

Clint is a weapon. Natasha guesses that Clint is a bow. Natasha is right. Clint is annoyed that she guessed so easily. He says the game is called Twenty Questions, not Three Questions. Natasha says he shouldn’t be so obvious.

 

6.46

Natasha is an animal. She is a mammal. She is not a dog, and has threatened to kill Tony inventively and painfully, using only his right thumb. Tony has decided to keep his guesses serious.

 

6.48

Natasha is not four-legged. Natasha is human. Natasha is male. Clint looks scandalised. Natasha gives him a warning look and he looks terrified.

 

6.52

Natasha is old. Natasha has a beard. Natasha is not Santa Claus. Tony looks disappointed.

 

6.54

Natasha is not Fury. Natasha says Fury would object to being called old. Natasha says she might neglect to mention that Tony called him old in exchange for certain favours. Tony says that he doesn’t offer sexual favours. Tony regrets saying this. He thinks that now sexual favours will be entirely out of the question for the foreseeable future. He curls up into a ball of pain and mentally vows never to cross Natasha again.

 

6.57

Thor asks if Natasha is Odin. Natasha reminds Thor that a) Odin is not human and b) she has never met Odin. Thor asks again. Natasha says she isn’t. They have 8 questions remaining.

 

6.59

Natasha is famous. Natasha is rich. Natasha is a douchebag. Tony is not certain that that was a useful question, but Clint insists it was. They have 5 questions remaining.

 

7.01

Natasha is not Jesus. Steve objects when Tony asks this and points out that Jesus was neither old nor a douchebag. Tony says Jesus lived 2000 years ago, which makes him pretty old in anyone’s book, and that in his opinion Jesus was a douchebag. Steve says that douchebaggery is non-subjective and that Jesus was definitely not a douchebag.

 

7.04

Natasha is not God. Steve points out that God is also not a douchebag. Tony says that God is definitely a douchebag. Bruce asks them to leave the theology discussion for another day.

 

7.06

Natasha is someone they know. Natasha is in the van. They have one question left.

 

7.07

Natasha is Tony. Tony is offended. He objects to being called old and a douchebag, and adds that he’s the closest thing to a god he knows. Steve says that if he thinks God is a douchebag, that must mean that he agrees he is a douchebag. Tony says that he is like God, but better, and not a douchebag. Everyone disagrees.

 

7.10

Tony doesn’t want to play Twenty Questions any more. He suggests they play a new game of his own invention. The others agree, but privately think this can only end badly.

 

7.11

The game is called “Fury went to the store and bought...”. They have to take it in turns to have Fury buy items from the store, working their way through the alphabet. The others think this actually sounds like it might be a good game after all.

 

7.12

It is Tony’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple. The others are amazed by how tame Tony’s choice is.

 

7.13

It is Steve’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple and a banana.

 

7.14

It is Clint’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana and a condom. Coulson is starting to wonder whether this game was a good idea after all.

 

7.15

It is Bruce’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom and a DVD. Tony asks what the DVD was. He suggests it was a porn film. Bruce disagrees. He thinks the DVD was Mean Girls. Everyone laughs.

 

7.17

It is Thor’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD and an elephant. Tony wonders what store Fury is visiting and why it sells elephants. Thor doesn’t know.

 

7.18

It is Natasha’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant and some fire. Clint says that stores don’t sell fire. Natasha says that stores don’t sell elephants. Clint says that buying an elephant makes more sense than buying fire. Natasha gives him a look that reminds him of all the pain she could cause him and he shuts up.

 

7.20

It is Coulson’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire and a giraffe. Tony says it’s nice to know that they’re sticking to African animals in this store.

 

7.21

It is Tony’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe and a helmet. Tony says that Fury will probably need the helmet, what with the elephant, the fire and the giraffe.

 

7.22

It is Steve’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet and an igloo. Tony is upset that Steve has destroyed their African theme with his igloo. Steve says that he can’t think of an African animal beginning with “I”.

 

7.23

It is Clint’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet, an igloo and some jelly. Tony asks what the jelly is for. Clint says they probably don’t want to know.

 

7.24

It is Bruce’s go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet, an igloo, some jelly and a kangaroo. Tony says that this store is really diverse now.

 

7.25

It is Thor’s go. He wasn’t paying attention and has forgotten what Fury has bought so far. The others start to argue over Fury’s purchases and the game ends. Tony is slightly upset. He was proud of his game. Coulson hopes that Fury never finds out about the game.

 

7.31

Tony wants to play another game. Coulson refuses. He says they have played enough games.

 

7.33

Everyone is hungry. They wonder how long it has been since the poptarts. Tony says it has been five and a half hours since they finished the poptarts.

 

7.36

Tony sees a McDonald’s. He asks Coulson if they can stop. Coulson says no. Everyone starts to protest loudly. Coulson agrees to go through the drive-thru, on the condition that none of them leave the van. Clint needs to pee. He asks Coulson if he can pee whilst they are getting the food. Coulson remembers earlier and agrees. Steve, Tony, and Natasha all need to pee too. Coulson lets them go and goes into the drive-thru with Bruce and Thor.

 

7.39

Thor orders ten hamburgers. Coulson asks him if he’s sure he can eat that many. Thor replies that he is so famished, he could eat ten times that number. Coulson lets him have ten hamburgers. He realises he forgot to ask what the others wanted. He orders two of everything and hopes that will be all right. Bruce orders a salad.

 

7.42

Coulson collects the food, trying not to make eye contact with the woman handing it to him. He pulls over just outside to wait for the others.

 

7.43

Clint returns and immediately digs into the food. He takes both hamburgers and a McFlurry. Coulson is vaguely disgusted by the sight. Thor has eaten four of his ten hamburgers.

 

7.45

Natasha returns. She wanted a hamburger. She gets angry when she sees that Clint has taken both of them. In an attempt to prevent a murder, Coulson goes back and buys four more hamburgers.

 

7.47

Steve and Tony are still not back. Most of the food is gone already. Coulson goes back and buys more food in anticipation of their return. Thor, Clint and Natasha claim this food for themselves. Bruce thinks that sometimes even the Hulk would be more civilised than them.

 

7.50

All of the food is gone and Steve and Tony are still missing. Coulson decides to wait until they get back before buying more food.

 

7.54

Steve and Tony still aren’t back. Bruce offers to go and look for them. Clint says that might not be a good idea. He doesn’t elaborate.

 

7.56

Bruce contemplates asking Clint what he means. He wonders what happened in the bathroom. He decides not to ask.

 

7.59

Coulson sends Bruce to look for Steve and Tony.

 

8.01

Bruce has not yet returned. Clint looks worried. Natasha thinks about asking what happened, but decides against it.

8.05

Bruce comes back, Steve and Tony in tow. Both of them look ashamed and embarrassed, especially Steve. Tony also looks slightly triumphant. Bruce collapses into his seat and buries his face in his hands. He says that there are some things which cannot be unseen. Clint nods sympathetically. Natasha doesn’t ask.

 

8.07

Coulson goes to buy more food for Steve and Tony, although he is uncertain as to whether they deserve it.

 

8.10

They set off again, with Steve and Tony wolfing down their food in an attempt to keep it away from the others.

 

8.12

Steve and Tony finish their food and sit in embarrassed silence. Everyone is staring at them. They try to edge as far away from each other as possible whilst remaining in their seats. Thor asks what was happening when Bruce found them. Bruce contemplates telling him but decides he doesn’t want to ruin his innocence. His perception of Steve has changed forever.

 

8.16

The silence in the van has gotten extremely awkward. Tony coughs. Everyone stares at him.

 

8.20

The awkward silence is broken by screams from all the Avengers – the loudest coming from Clint – as the van veers off of the road.

 

8.23

They survive the experience and find Coulson has fallen asleep at the wheel. Natasha has also fallen asleep next to him.

 

8.25

The conscious Avengers remove their sleeping comrades from the front seats and place them carefully in the back of the van. They draw lots to decide who will drive, and then draw again when Thor is selected, as he does not a) have a legal driving license or b) know how to drive. The second time around, Tony is selected. Steve thinks about calling shotgun, but decides against it. Bruce calls shotgun. Clint thinks about arguing, but decides against it. They all get back in the van.

 

8.29

Coulson wakes up as Tony takes a particularly sharp corner at an extremely dangerous speed. He asks what he’s doing in the back of the van. Steve tells him he fell asleep and nearly killed them all. Coulson asks why they decided to let Tony kill them instead.

 

8.32

It is now officially night. Tony sees a motel and asks if they should stop. Coulson thinks about it and decides that it’s time to call it a night. Tony pulls into the motel car park.

 

8.35

Coulson is attempting to book them all separate rooms at the motel. The motel only has three double rooms. With double beds. Coulson takes one of these for himself, and leaves the other six to argue over the two beds they have between them.

 

8.37

Natasha has taken a second room for herself. She leaves the other five squabbling over which of them gets the bed in their shared room.

 

8.40

Tony, Clint, Bruce, Steve and Thor have gone up to look at their shared room. Three of them can fit on the bed if they don’t mind being slightly squashed. There is not enough floor space for the other two to lie on.

 

8.43

Tony comes up with the ingenious solution of sleeping under the bed. There is just about space for two of them to fit. They draw lots to decide who gets the bed and who sleeps underneath it. Tony, Bruce and Steve get the bed.

 

8.45

They redraw lots when they realise that Thor won’t fit under the bed. This time, Tony and Steve get under the bed.

 

8.52

Everyone gets into or under the bed. Clint regrets choosing the middle of the bed. Both Thor and Bruce are desperately clinging to him in an attempt not to fall off of the bed.

 

8.59

On the bed, Clint, Bruce and Thor are trying to sleep. They can hear strange noises from under the bed. Clint and Bruce try not to think about it. Thor has already fallen asleep.

 

9.02

The noises stop.

 

9.05

Coulson is lying awake, trying not to think of the journey back the next day.

 

9.10

Everyone has fallen asleep. Even Coulson.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Avengers (and Loki): The Camping Episode](https://archiveofourown.org/works/463458) by [TesseractOfOurOwn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TesseractOfOurOwn/pseuds/TesseractOfOurOwn)




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